I get by with a little help from my meds

Hello again. Let’s talk about me.

In complete honestly I am still frightened, very frightened, of returning to New York in just a few short weeks. Strangely though, I’ve been feeling stronger, much, much stronger.

In fact lately I’ve felt more stable, productive and human than I’ve felt in many years. Even the waking nightmare of unstoppable self-berating has been reduced immensely.  My only constant running fear is that “It’s too good to be true,” and “the darkness is coming back for me.”  But it’s not horribly worrisome, because I am pretty damn sure my increased instability was caused by the stupid, stupid way I “took care of myself,” if you can even call it that.

I hardly understand it myself.  Ridiculously enough, I had NEVER, not EVER, not once, taken my medications REGULARLY as instructed.  I’d just take my meds when I remembered to! And I would remember every two or three days; a week; two weeks. 

During those times – Wait, major tangent – I wanted to write “sadly,” before “During those times” but stopped myself because sometimes it’s easier to fester in your self-pitty instead of fighting. Saying “sadly” about my past encourages a victim mentality, does it not it?  I am not a victim because God help me,  I am choosing to fight.  So during these times, generally around a week of ignoring meds, I would also ignore bills, friends, performances I was booked for…,phone calls, showering or even getting out of pajamas.                                                           

I didn’t want to face life. To forget everything I’d lie in bed sleeping as much as possible anywhere between days to over a week. It was impossible to sleep all the time (so annoying!) so I would pass the waking hours eating and watching TV until finally I could fall asleep again and escape my consciousness that so distressed me.

So everyone with autism spectrum disorders, or any illness for that matter, if you are supposed to be on medication then please: TAKE YOUR MEDS!  (Have any of you ever been as irresponsible with your meds?  I’d very much like to know if I’m the only one who has trouble with that…) During a study I participated in at the Center for Autism at Mt Sinai, doctors insisted I get involved in “GRASP” which I’m sure you’re all mostly familiar with.  GRASP sponsers Aspie Suppport Groups.  I put it off for over a year.  The day I finally went, it altered me.

The Aspie Support Group Scandal is for next week but I’ll tell you that it evoked so much emotion in me that I sorta hid my face and hurried to the bathroom, which was situated, thankfully, down a long hall, and I bawled. Not cried, bawled and even wailed deep groans that I’ve never heard come from my mouth.  It was intense and unselfconscious and I didn’t care or worry over being heard.  I’m not exactly sure why it happened but I think it was a combination of sadness, gratefulness for passing as almost normal, and I know there were also a lot of tears over life that feels wasted over the torture Asperger’s caused me in much of my life. 

The great-maddening-sad and confusing Aspie Support Group Scandal in full details next week!